(Don't) Tell Me How You Really Feel

A while back, a close friend and colleague, Julie, did something that really hurt me.  So I did what any therapist from Berkeley would do when she has issues with another Berkeley therapist:  I talked to her about it.

I was as gentle as possible and used the standard communication lingo:  when you did this, it made me feel this way; I would have preferred, etc. etc.   Her reaction shocked me.

Instead of understanding, she became very angry.   And Julie turned the tables on me by going on the offensive.

Julie rattled off time after time when I failed her.   That made me defensive and before too long, we were both hurt and angry.  We remained friends after that, although we were never as close.

What did I learn?  Disappointingly, sharing your feelings doesn't work with most people.   And, in fact, it can cause even more hard feelings and estrangement.

Now there are exceptions.  You may know people who are open to this type of sharing. It doesn't damage the relationship and may even make it stronger.

I knew this couple who took an NVC class together, meaning, Nonviolent Communication, which also uses the, "When you said this, it made me feel. . ." model. Because the couple were both committed to using that technique, it helped their marriage.

Another example would be someone working a serious recovery program from alcohol and drugs.  In those programs, there is a commitment to honesty -- sometimes brutal honesty.  If you have a loved one in AA, openly sharing may work. 

But for the average person, meaning, your coworker, friend, boss, sibling or mother?  Sorry, but openly sharing your feelings of hurt, betrayal, etc. could make matters even worse, as I found out with my friend, Julie. 

I'll add another reason why you should be wary about sharing your feelings;  you can make yourself too vulnerable.  It leaves you wide open, especially if the other person can then use what you shared against you.

You're probably now thinking: so what do I do instead?  Should I just bottle up my hurt or anger?  Should I cut off the person completely?

There are few options that come to mind.  You may consider saying something.  But do so in a low-key way that doesn't make you too vulnerable and reduces the possibility of the person's defensiveness.

Suppose a friend hasn't responded to several texts.  You know that she's contacted other people and seems to be doing fine.  Rather than write, "What's going on?  I haven't heard from you in a month although I know that you've responded to other people.  That really hurts my feelings."

Instead, just text something brief and, perhaps, light-hearted, like, "Hey, girl, haven't heard from you in forever.  You okay?"

You can also try to change your mindset when it comes to interpersonal conflict.  The other person's actions may not be personal;  perhaps, he's in a bad place emotionally or very busy. And remember that no one is perfect and people will fail you at times.

And you always have the option to take a break from the relationship.  That might be appropriate if the person has a history of hurting you and being insensitive.