Have a Good Day -- Or Else!

Years ago, psychologist Barbara Held wrote a book with an intriguing premise.  It was that many Americans are unhappy because of the unrelenting pressure to be happy.

In, Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching, she wrote that the US was founded on a novel principle never seen before:  the right to happiness. In America, you can become whomever you want to be. Therefore, you will be happy -- right?

Well, maybe not.  Held's research showed the opposite. It’s impossible for everyone to be a doctor, a lawyer, the President, as well as rich and attractive.  And these unrealistic expectations can cause a lot of misery.

There is the pressure to be successful and wealthy. But along with this, there is also the daily cajoling to have a nice day.  Cheer up, tomorrow will be a better day!  Smile, and count your blessings!

But what happens if you feel a bit down, disappointed, or (gasp!) you are not having a nice day.   Americans can feel bad about it, even if no one is making you feel bad but yourself.

I’m reminded of a popular class on joy that a Buddhist meditation teacher taught in Berkeley.   I always thought that this was a bit peculiar:  how do you teach people to feel joy?Isn’t joy something that happens spontaneously when you look out at the ocean or a savor a sweet moment with a friend?

(Side note:  the first noble truth of Buddhism is “life is suffering.”  It’s not “life is joyous.”  But I digress. . . )

Ironically,  the people I knew who took the class seemed stressed out by it.   During the class, each person was paired with a "joy partner," to keep each other on the positive path. A friend told me how upset she was when her “joy partner,” scolded her for not being more joyful.

And a colleague confided in me that she was feeling more depressed since taking the joy class.  She still had  bouts of melancholy and anxiety and so felt like an utter failure. I reassured her that feeling blue or angry or anything else were perfectly normal.  Trying not to have any feeling but joy is not normal.

The pressure to be cheerful can be intense for those suffering from life-threatening illnesses. A woman depressed by her breast cancer diagnosis could be badgered to be optimistic.  If she doesn’t, her life could be shortened, or so they say.   But then the poor woman is not only worried about cancer killing her — but also a bad mood.

Interestingly, some studies have found the opposite.   Norman Cousins, in his book, Anatomy of Illness, cites a study where angry, crotchety women with breast cancer lived longer.   Those who frequently bugged their doctor and who complained a lot actually had longer life expectancy.

Whether that’s true or not, the point is that we should feel whatever we are feeling.  Pressure to be joyful when you’re ill is adding insult to injury.   Walking around smiling if your dog just died simply isn’t normal.  And, as Barbara Held’s research found, feeling pressure to be happy when you’re not may make you more unhappy.

And might I add here— it is not always necessary to have a nice day.

I’ll end here with a few lyrics from an amusing song by folk singer, Greg Brown, on this very topic. The song is called, “I Don’t Want to Have a Nice Day.”

I been up, honey, all night long

It felt right, now it feel wrong

I just wanna feed my misery

The Boston Globe and some black coffee

[Chorus:]

I don't wanna have a nice day

And I wish that you wouldn't say

That to me, not that-a-way

I don't wanna have a nice day