How NOT to do Therapy

Years ago I worked at an agency supervising new therapists.   Part of my job was doing trainings for the staff.  

The trainings were aimed at teaching therapists how to be effective, sensitive,  and ethical.  This blog is the opposite:  it’s about how not to do therapy.

I’ll give you some real-life examples.  You might read these and think that I’m exaggerating.  Sadly, I’m not.  I’ve heard war stories from people many times over.  So here goes:  how not to do therapy.

—Focus on what you, the therapist, want to talk about, not what the client comes in for.

So, for instance, if a client sees you because of a bully boss, ask her about her mother.  If the client tells you that her relationship with mom is conflictual, latch on to that like a dog with a bone.

When the client steers you back to her abusive manager and how she can’t sleep, eat, or function, tell her that first she has to straighten out her problems with mom.  If the client becomes even more distressed because she’s not getting any help with her horrible boss, blame her for not working hard enough on her problems with her mother.  Once resolved, you tell her, the problems with the boss will resolve as well.

—Never let go of trauma. 

Suppose a man sees you because of marital problems.  Ask him about abuse he may have experienced.  When he divulges that he was molested once by a counselor in sleep-away camp, tell him that he needs to do intensive trauma therapy.  

When he balks and says that he never thinks about the abuse, explain that the trauma is buried deeply in his unconscious and hurting his relationship with his wife.  If the client becomes depressed and destabilized talking over and over about the molestation, let him know that he’s on the right track.  Urge him to come twice a week so he can really process the trauma.

—If a client tells you that she didn’t like something you said last week, blame the problem on her.  Tell her that she’s projecting her anger at her father onto you.  Don’t take the time to listen to her concerns and never ever take responsibility for them.  Needless to say, you’ll never want to apologize.

—When a client wants to end therapy, tell her that she’s not ready.  Even if the client has come for years and is doing well, scare her by saying she might get worse again.  Let her know that if she stops, you’ll never be willing to see her in therapy again.  Basically, destroy her positive feelings for you and blow the whole therapy up.

Hopefully, you won’t experience any of this with your current therapist.  But, if you do,  know that you aren’t alone.  If the therapist isn’t willing to hear you out about any concerns, reconsider continuing in therapy.